News From 2023

JK Rowling has completed the 19th Harry Potter book and it has made it’s way onto bookshelves everywhere.  Harry Potter and the Crucible of Mass Destruction is a gripping drama that dips back in time to take its readers on a fast and furious spy caper that has surprises around every corner.
The plot:  Harry has immigrated to the colonies (that would be America) and has founded “New Hogwartz” in an unnamed location just outside of Hamburg, Iowa.  Why there?  No one knows!
President Jebediah Bush, a former bush plane pilot from the great state of Alaska, has asked Harry to use his powers to go back in time and discover the truth about the “Lost Weapons of Mass Destruction” that still plagues his 3rd cousin, twice removed, George W Bush Jr.  Junior has recently been placed in a managed care facility where he spends his waning days fantasizing about Condoleezza and a goat herd’s tent just outside of Qatar.  Potterheads will be surprised to learn that Harry discovers that the former dictator Saddam Hussein never had “Weapons of Mass Destruction,” but instead had been secretly stockpiling Pringles potato chips and Coke Zero for the day the world would end on December 21st, 2012. The plot thickens.  Harry discovers that Saddam had been planning to infiltrate the TV series “Survivor” and was scheming to have the Queen of England “voted off of the island!”  The story is enhanced with several sub-plots as Hermione and Harry (both now divorced) find one another in an unplanned trip to Afghanistan.  There they manage to turn an unfriendly camel into a sand hog and change the bomb material of three suicide bombers into whipped cream.  After detonation, the bombers were placed in a walk-in cooler for temporary detention.
All in all a rollicking good read and sure to be a smash hit movie.
By the way, apparently the world did end on December 21st, 2012, but no one noticed.
In other news, 115  year old former Vice President Dick Cheney has had his 18th heart transplant.  Doctors installed a blue tooth wireless device that allows them to download the former VP’s heart rhythms.
Fox News has launched a new investigative series entitled, “The Lies Your Parents Used To Keep You In Line!”  this in depth look at our childhood myths and what your parents never told you.  Narrated by Shawn Hannity, the first in the series… “The Fat Man That Loves Children…Should We Be Concerned?” is a stunning look at the real Santa Claus.  Hannity takes a hard look at the once beloved saint and asks the hard questions.  “Do you really want your children to sit on the lap of an overweight, heavily bearded man wearing red velvet and offering them candy?
In business news, Facebook purchases Youtube from Google and launch a joint social media project called Tube Face.  Their goal is to appeal to the last remaining hold outs of social media participation…the Edolo tribe in Southern New Guinea who have long held onto their now defunct MySpace accounts even though the company has long since stopped accepting sea shells as payment for their upgraded accounts and its server space relegated to a dated Windows 95 computer in Justin Timberlake’s garage.
In other news, now that autonomous cars are all the rage in the United States a new type of driver’s insurance has been developed.  It is called the “multicore processor” discount.  Apparently, if your self-driving car has at least two central processing units you will be entitled to a discount.  It seems this new way of insurance thinking was prompted by the now infamous “blue screen of death” problem.
More news in the autonomous car industry as Mercedes and Tesla have recalled several thousand vehicles due to a programming glitch in their decision making software.  This problem has come to the forefront as several accidents have been reported to law enforcement regarding cars “updating while driving.”  The updates have apparently caused the vehicles in question to suddenly come to a stop on freeway roadways while receiving an automated update to their operating systems.  No deaths have been reported but many passengers were locked inside their vehicles for several hours while their vehicles downloaded new patches and fixes to their onboard computers.

Just a note:

Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner of the US patent office in 1899
“Remote shopping, while entirely feasible, will flop.” – Time magazine in 1966
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today. “
“My interest is in the future because I am going to spend the rest of my life there. “
Forecasting is the art of saying what will happen, and then explaining why it didn’t!
The future ain’t what it used to be.
The only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen at once.
1889: “Fooling around with alternating current (AC) is just a waste of time.  Nobody will use it, ever.” — Thomas Edison
2007: “There’s no chance that the iPhone is going to get any significant market share.” — Steve Ballmer, Microsoft CEO.

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