God’s New Website

Memo

From:      St. Peter
To:          All Program Managers
Cc:          Our Heavenly Father
Re:          The prayer processing application:  e-POCH  (Prayers On-Call Handling)

Beta testers have complained about the response time of the e-POCH system and have openly questioned whether our Heavenly Father is, in fact, receiving their queries.  This is an intolerable situation since you all know that He has often voiced his misgivings about this system.  So let’s address the issues one at a time:

1)..the user interface is too graphic intensive and our testers with dial up modem service are waiting inordinate periods of time waiting for graphics to load.  (note: it has been reported that six testers were actually called “Home” during their sessions…can someone please investigate and report back to me?)

2)..the navigation of the entire web site is confusing and ambiguous.  This was made clear when 150 of our testers found themselves lost in a “Green Peace” chat room.  Six were actually arrested when they conspired with other activists who were making plans to drain the San Diego Aquarium and “free the bottom feeders!

3)..some of you have expressed the opinion that we missed a great opportunity when we couldn’t secure the “heaven.com” domain name and the fact that it is a soft porn/sex toys ecommerce site is all the more upsetting, but the Heavenly Father has assured me that he is quite satisfied with “greenpastures.com” instead of “heaven.com.”   He likes the association to the psalm and its calming effect. (my personal favorite, “joyfulnoise.com” didn’t make the final selection committee…something to do with MP3 and pirated music downloads.  I’m afraid I’m a little out of date when it comes to contemporary music.)

4)..the graphical icon, a graphic collage of a set of cherubs, angels, praying hands, hell fire and palm fronds may not have the obvious iconic value we were first thinking that they would.  For example, the idea of using a small graphic reproduction of Noah’s Ark to log out of the system is cute, but may not be entirely appropriate.

(apparently some of the beta testers became frightened and started babbling about some “wrath of God” nonsense…. I remind you all, that for quite some time now He’s mellowed; He doesn’t do that anymore!)

The “praying hands” as the site’s universal symbol for help seems on the surface to be quite appropriate but as some of the beta testers have pointed out, that’s what they were coming to the site for in the first place. It was also made clear to me that the alternate idea of using a pictorial representation of a ‘confession booth’ wouldn’t be particularly recognizable since most Catholic users wouldn’t even recognize it, let alone non-Catholics!

Finally,

5)..the technical support people have complained that we’ve automated them right out of jobs since, after all, the whole site really is devoted to “support.”  Well, duh!  May I take this opportunity to remind you all that there is no such thing as job security here.  Any attempt at unionizing will get the perpetrators expelled. You know who you are! FYI

Heaven’s Door
St. Peter
Prince of the Apostles
Director New Admissions
Major Client Representative
999-999-9999 X999
999-999-9999 Fax
999-999-9999 Toll Free
999-999-9999 Mobile
www.heavensgate.com
AOL keyword: Simon
therock@heavensgate.com E-mail

 

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Scanned on 22 Aug 2003 19:21:53
Scanning by http://www.milkandhoney.com/

 

Memo

From:      St Patrick (ex)
To:          St. Peter

I have investigated the long load times of the web site and have found it to be a combination of coincidence, unfortunate timing and graphic intensity.

  1. a) Coincidence: four of the beta testers were well over the age of 80 and apparently any wait time may have been too long. It’s entirely possible the Father could have called them ‘home’ while they waited for their coffee to finish perking.  Additionally, two of the four were afflicted with Alzheimer’s and thought they were playing “Flight Simulator” so the fact that they ‘landed’ in a strange place didn’t faze them at all.
  2. b) Timing: it seems that during the times in question, the server farm was experiencing a “denial of service” attack from a well known hacker with a particular bone to pick with the Heavenly Father. His motive is irrelevant, but it did point out a serious hole in our security.  We have since loaded virus protection software and have uploaded the latest definition files that include protection against the exe virus and the antichrist worm.  Both of these apparently try to take control of everything and redirect every browser to the microsoft.com web site and download the new version of Internet Explorer®.
  3. c) Graphic intensity: this is a subject of some concern since The Client wanted us to use the Michelangelo painting on the ceiling the Sistine Chapel as the background image for the home page. We are waiting for some direction concerning this issue and would recommend converting the image to a jpeg. But as you may know, JPEG is “lossy,” meaning that the decompressed image isn’t quite the same as the one you started with and since this is a direct Client requirement we’re not willing to piss off the Boss by telling Him that we’ve taken the noise out of His
Heaven’s Door Information Technologies
St Patrick (ex)
Director of Error Correction/Change Management/Computer Security
No phone
No Fax
Not Toll Free
Don’t Have A Mobile
www.heavensgate.com
AOL keyword: de-canonized
E-mail: goirish@idrovethesnakesoutofireland.com

 

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Scanned on 22 Aug 2003 19:21:53
Scanning by http://www.milkandhoney.com/
Memo

From:      St. Peter
To:          St Patrick (ex)

Patrick,

Don’t you think it’s about time you got over this de-canonization thing?  The ‘(ex)’ after your name is completely unnecessary here and the ‘I drove the snakes out of Ireland’ email address is really over the top.  You were a shepherd for crying out loud. Get over it!

As for the rest of your investigation, I’ll accept the coincidence and timing issues and take up the graphic intensity issue with the Heavenly Father personally.  He’ll probably suggest, as I do, that ‘intensity’ is the whole point of the picture in the first place. Further, I won’t even pretend that I’m going to suggest converting His image from the Sistine Chapel painting to a jpeg, whatever that means.  I like my job.  Besides, Michelangelo will have a fit if we suggest changing his work in any way.  We’ll have to endure that “months on my back, paint in my eyes” whine for days.

Heaven's Door
St Peter
Prince of the Apostles
Director New Admissions
Major Client Representative
999-999-9999 X999
999-999-9999 Toll Free
999-999-9999 Mobile
999-999-9999 Fax
www.heavensgate.com
AOL keyword: Simon 
E-mail: therock@heavensgate.com

 

 

 

_________________________________________________

Scanned on 22 Aug 2003 19:21:53

Scanning by http://www.milkandhoney.com/

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