I have been very close to dying several times. I can tell you from experience that it’s not for the faint of heart. For that reason, I’ve never understood people that believe they’re obviously going to heaven. I just don’t understand them. Take suicide bombers for example. They’re told there’ll be 72 virgins waiting for them in heaven. I have news for those guys. Even if there are 72 virgins it’s not going to be anything like what they’ve been told. First of all, after the first night the guy is going to have 72 women crying their eyes out because they lost their virginity to a dirt bag that strapped a bomb to his chest and killed a bunch of other women, children and old people. Besides, just how many virgins are there in heaven? There can’t be 72 virgins in the state of California. Where is Heaven going to find 72 virgins? Craigslist? Maybe Utah, but I’m thinking…Not!
Then there’s the whole martyrdom issue. All martyrs go to heaven? Maybe, but I’m just not confident that it’s that simple. What if heaven isn’t what we all think it is? What if heaven is just a giant waiting room and we’re all scheduled for another life so that we can perfect our less than perfect souls. Geez! What if the Buddhists are right? That would mean the suicide bombers are going to come back and have to figure out how to get their point across without blowing stuff up! And if I have to do this whole cancer thing again I’m really going to be pissed. What if all we do is wait for some mentally challenged teller to call our number. “Now serving #529!” What’s my number? Oh wait this can’t be right I’m #2,673,421! I don’t think my cell phone will stay charged that long. What if we have to take a test? I hate tests.
Who decides what life you get? I know if I have a choice, I’m coming back as Bill Gates! I’m tired of the “poor as a church mouse” routine. I think I’d be a pretty swell rich guy.